And then there's the ever important 'when do I tell?'.
Proponents of coming out have this on their side, that simply being out means you don't have to worry anymore about not being yourself. And I will tell you, when I'm with someone I can be out with, my life is happier and I'm more relaxed and all I want is that time for us together. It doesn't matter if I'm attracted to them or not. It means I can be accepted for who I am.
But life doesn't work that fluidly all the time. Case in point: I'm not out at home with family. Even close family. So, whenever a 'gay issue' comes up on the TV, most of my family says, "I don't want to see it!" and changes the channel. I'm not allowed to protest. I'm not sure what they don't want to see, whether or not it is anything that they might see a gay couple kissing or otherwise being platonic affectionate, or just the ideas that go into their minds when they hear 'gay' is solely based on the idea of sex. And the difficulty lies deeper when I'm not allowed to question the difference.
It is frustrating many days when I sit back and hear the dismissive command and all I want to do is start the argument that will end up outing me.
I don't want to be the kingpin of more family drama. Everyone has their own issues and frankly, why should I change my family?
In the perfect world, it would be awesome that I would know that the members of my family would be supportive. But the silence that I hold is just very simply silence. And it's hard.
Questioning isn't so black and white. Once you're past the "Am I?", you have to face the fact of who you want to tell/need to tell.