I know I've let the community languish for a while, but I was thinking recently about what it means that I'm not 'out and proud'.

I have never been that way, especially reflecting the fact that while I can function at work as asexual, that I have made it impossible for me to be anywhere else in my life. I'm still learning to reconcile the public and private parts of my life and that can be very disorienting to most people.

I keep looking back at relationships that I helped to control and destroy. That my friend who would have rather not have me hit on her those many years ago would appreciate not having my 'gay agenda' (albeit a short lived one) not rammed down her throat. That my short lived on/off/on/off/dead on arrival relationship with the first woman in my life would have benefited from me not disappearing in days and being hyper focused on things that I felt were important.

But all the relationship dysfunction aside: I understand that I am probably more important to myself than anything else. I have always known that but it wasn't appreciated by another person. And probably never will be. I would have loved to have someone in my life that would understand that I have to work to get what I want and that I'm not just eye candy, despite the fact that I don't really believe that I'm all that physically attractive.

But I can't be in both places (in and out) at the same time. It has come time for me to choose. And that'll take some more time.