Okay, first of all, yeah I did. But I knew before I had invited myself over to her new place in Washington, DC, I would have to find a part of myself and check those feelings.
One: because my gaydar is wacky. Turns out I was lusting after a straight woman.
Two: because I loved her friendship, more than wanting a personal relationship.
And so, after that trip, she asked me not to contact her again. And then on Sunday, I got an email from her. She claimed she needed help. She wasn't too concrete in her "help" quantifier. I did reply instantly to her. It turned out she needed design help.
I have to admit, I turned into a tad bit of a bitch over the 3 days of emailing her. When one of her emails said she wanted me to move to help her, I kinda laid things out. I was not sure she would want me as she had asked me not to contact her again.
She replied that she hadn't recovered over feeling like she was comfortable with me.
I then laid it out back to her.
I had to think about this for a while.
I'm someone who values friendship, loyalty. That's why I've been replying since you've re-opened the door. What we shared in college was what I had expected to continue to share with you throughout the rest of our lives, no matter what happened in our lives. I was hurt, it took quite a while. For the better part of the past six years, I've had bits of my life that I would have loved sharing with you--the only person who knew what an edge our education and general similar interests shared. I'm not going to lie: my life has not been a giant bowl of sunshine, but there have been several instances that a friend, you, would have enjoyed sharing with me.
However, your inability to feel comfortable around me brings up an issue that's a little near and dear to me that I can't ignore. I can't change that fact about you. I can only imagine that my email showing up in your box makes you roll your eyes and embolden a desire to make sure that any email from me gets sent to your spam folder. This issue is what I struggle with as I construct replies to you, how can you be a friend/distant acquaintance to me without feeling comfortable?
I can accept that right now, you wouldn't want to see me in person.
I can accept that right now, you want this to be email.
Do I accept you have only interest in me as a friend? Yes.
Do I respect that you have the need for a friend? Yes.
Do I want to help you? Yes. I do need more concrete directions in which you desire help.
I am willing to help. I've dealt with my issues. I think you need to get used to who I am, find out what I've done. Let me know your terms and maybe we can come to agree on the way things can continue.
I haven't heard back from her. I won't contact her again. But I miss her friendship. I just wish she could come around.
So there was this friend I had 6 years ago, who was upset with my overprotective nature. It appears that she felt it was like I was protecting her that I wanted her.